EXAM SUCCESS FEEDBACK

Great job practicing your writing! The feedback on your essay is divided into two parts. The first part consists of a full revised essay, aimed at helping you see differences in structure, content and relationship to the prompt. The second part provides writing enhancement points in more detail on the three key areas: relationship to the prompt, structure and expression. We hope you find these suggestions helpful!

Part 1: Your Revised Essay

Title: The Unforgettable Bend

The gloomy day weighed heavily on Summer Parker’s shoulders as she stood at the edge of the wooden path, sandwiched between a cliff and a river. The viridescent trees bowed down, their leaves rustling and crunching under the soft whistle of the wind. Ants clung to the branches, their tiny bodies braving the elements as they sought refuge from the elements. The scene was hauntingly beautiful, yet it carried a sense of foreboding.

Two years earlier, Summer had watched a news report about a mysterious series of unexplained deaths in a scenic area. She recalled the words of a hooded man, whose face was obscured by shadows: “What lies around the bend is unforgettable.” His story had been unsettling, and she remembered the way he described his life being changed forever after walking around the bend. Summer could not have known that her own life would soon be similarly altered.

On that fateful day, Summer and her twin brother, Adrien, had decided to visit Orchard’s Valley to celebrate their sixteenth birthday. Having grown up in an orphanage after their parents’ tragic car accident, the siblings were eager to explore the world on their own. The enchanting scenery of the valley was breathtaking, and Summer had no idea of the danger that lurked around the bend.

As they stood at the wooden path, Adrien expressed his curiosity about what lay beyond the mysterious bend. Summer opted to stay behind, soaking in the serenity of the scene. Hours passed with no sign of her brother, and a chilling sensation crept up her spine. She eventually mustered the courage to venture around the bend, where she found Adrien’s lifeless body. Whatever had claimed his life now haunted Summer, and she knew that the bend represented a new, uncertain stage in her life.

Part 2: Writing Enhancement Points and General Scoring

Please find our notes below on how you can improve your essay in the three areas of relationship to the prompt, structure, and expression:

1. Relationship to the prompt: In the original essay, the wooden path and the phrase “What lies around the bend is unforgettable” are integrated into the story but could be emphasized further. In the revised essay, we enhance the connection to the prompt by consistently referring to the wooden path as the central setting, highlighting its unique position between the cliff and the river. We also place more emphasis on the phrase by using it as a driving force for the story’s theme, as well as mentioning the hooded man’s quote to create a sense of foreboding and mystery from the beginning.
2. Structure: The original essay’s structure could be confusing for readers due to its non-linear narrative, lack of clear transitions, and abrupt changes in focus. To improve the structure in the revised essay, we introduce each section with a clear topic sentence, providing a roadmap for readers. We also make sure that the story flows logically, with a consistent focus on Summer’s experiences and emotions. Additionally, we transition smoothly between the present, past, and back to the present, ensuring that the reader can easily follow the story’s progression without getting lost or disoriented.
3. Expression: In the original essay, some sentences could be rephrased to improve clarity and readability, such as: “Ants where clinging onto those bowing trees, begging for peace.” In the revised essay, we rephrase this sentence to: “Ants clung to the branches, their tiny bodies braving the elements as they sought refuge from the elements.” By correcting the verb tense and providing more descriptive language, we create a more vivid and engaging reading experience. We also address other instances of awkward phrasing, overly dramatic language, and punctuation errors throughout the revised essay, ensuring that the writing is clear, concise, and impactful.

The general score for this essay is 5.

We hope these suggestions help you refine your essay! Keep up the good work, and don’t hesitate to explore new ideas and approaches in your writing.