EXAM SUCCESS FEEDBACK

Great job practicing your writing! The feedback on your essay is divided into two parts. The first part consists of a full revised essay, aimed at helping you see differences in structure, content and relationship to the prompt. The second part provides writing enhancement points in more detail on the three key areas: relationship to the prompt, structure and expression. We hope you find these suggestions helpful!

Part 1: Your Revised Essay

Title: The Debate Over Public and Private Charitable Donations

The question of whether charitable donations should be public or private is a subject of debate. While some argue that publicizing donations encourages more people to donate, others believe that making donations private is a more ethical approach. In this essay, I will argue that publicizing donations has its merits, but privacy should also be an option for those who prefer it.

Firstly, making donations public can inspire others to contribute to charitable causes. When a person sees that their friends, family members, or favorite celebrities are donating to a particular charity, they may feel motivated to join in and support the cause as well. Publicizing donations can create a sense of community and collective action, which may lead to increased fundraising efforts for the charity in question. For example, during natural disasters or crises, seeing a high number of public donations often prompts others to donate and contribute to relief efforts.

Secondly, public donations can provide much-needed transparency in the charitable sector. With public records of donations, donors can see how their contributions are being used, and this information can help them make informed decisions about which charities to support. Additionally, publicizing donations can hold charities accountable, ensuring that they use the funds they receive responsibly and for their intended purposes.

However, some people may argue that making donations private is a more ethical approach. Donors should have the right to contribute anonymously if they choose, as it allows them to focus on the act of giving rather than seeking recognition or accolades. Furthermore, private donations can protect donors from potential scams or fraudulent activities. It is essential to ensure that there are safeguards in place to prevent such issues, whether donations are public or private.

In conclusion, there are valid reasons to support both public and private charitable donations. Publicizing donations can encourage more people to donate and provide transparency, while private donations respect the donor’s privacy and protect them from potential scams. Ultimately, the choice of whether to make donations public or private should be left to the individual donor, based on their preferences and values.

Part 2: Writing Enhancement Points and General Scoring

Please find our notes below on how you can improve your essay in the three areas of relationship to the prompt, structure, and expression:

1. Relationship to the prompt: The original essay focused mainly on the benefits of public donations, with only a brief mention of the counter-argument. In the revised essay, we present a more balanced view by addressing both sides of the debate. For example, in the original essay, the counter-argument was limited to concerns about scams. In the revised essay, we expanded the counter-argument to include the ethical reasons for choosing private donations and the importance of respecting donor privacy. By considering both perspectives, the revised essay better relates to the prompt and offers a more comprehensive analysis of the issue.
2. Structure: The original essay did not follow a clear structure, which made it difficult for the reader to follow the argument. In the revised essay, we implemented a more organized structure by using the TEEL (Topic sentence, Explanation, Evidence, and Link) format for the argument paragraphs. For instance, in the first argument paragraph, the topic sentence introduces the idea of public donations inspiring others, followed by an explanation and evidence, and finally, a link back to the main argument. This structure allows the reader to understand the flow of the argument more easily and creates a more coherent essay overall.
3. Expression: The original essay had several grammar and punctuation errors, as well as some unclear phrasing. In the revised essay, we addressed these issues to create a more polished and professional piece. For example, the original essay stated, “It is not hard to create an website that people can join a donate money to charity,” which is both grammatically incorrect and unclear. The revised essay rephrases this idea to emphasize the benefits of public donations in a clearer manner: “When a person sees that their friends, family members, or favourite celebrities are donating to a particular charity, they may feel motivated to join in and support the cause as well.” By focusing on clarity and accuracy in expression, the revised essay is more effective in communicating its argument.

The general score for this essay is 5.

We hope these suggestions help you refine your essay! Keep up the good work, and don’t hesitate to explore new ideas and approaches in your writing.